The Trouble with Hamsters
by xxCerezasxx
Summary: Total and utter crack. Dean gets a new pet, Alastair has a new vessel, and Sam is confused. Again, crack.


**Disclaimer:Don't own**

**Summary: Written as a Christmas present for a friend on lj. She wanted Dean/Alastair hamster crack. I of course obliged.**

**The Trouble with Hamsters**

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Dean isn't gentle by nature. Sam's known his brother long enough(his entire life in fact) to know that despite the pretty boy appearance, Dean is a fighter and a twisted, fucked up model of their father's perfect soldier. That's not to say Dean can't be gentle, because he can, and Sam's seen it, experienced it firsthand throughout his childhood. Dean blew on his cuts and kissed his scrapes and washed his hair, tucked him into bed at night and read him stories. Dean hugged him when he was a kid, quizzed him on his spelling words while they cleaned guns, carried him to bed if he fell asleep in the car after a hunt. Even now Dean has his moments, he snuggles babies they save when he thinks Sam isn't looking, gets little kids to stop crying, once wiped a girl's mother's blood from her face with his own sleeve. So, Dean has his affectionate times, but he's not an openly nurturing person, no Mr. Mom or Mr. Rogers or whoever.

Except for right now, when he is.

Dean's cradling a hamster in his palms, staring down at it with child-like wonder, hesitantly scratching it behind one torn, half bitten off little ear.

"Where'd you get that?" Dean doesn't like small animals, not since the rat infestation of '94 in Albuquerque when they lost three pairs of socks each and all the Halloween candy Dean had stolen from a kid three towns over.

"Found him living in the Impala. I wonder how long the little guy's been in there." The hamster is an unimpressive, midget of a thing. It's smaller than most hamsters; it's technically a dwarf, with rounded ears and a stubby tail, white fur on its soft belly and legs. Its back is brown, with spots of black flecked in, an ordinary, boring, run of the mill hamster color if Sam's ever seen one, but he hasn't, because he was never allowed to have a hamster as a kid. He knew a guy who had a hamster once, a hamster that was bigger than this one. It liked to sniff things and eat cracker crumbs from his hand. "I'm keeping him."

"We can't keep a hamster."

"Sure we can, he's tiny, I bet he eats a carrot a week."

"Rabbits."

"What?" Dean cocks his head, the hamster curling up in the middle of his palm.

"Rabbits eat carrots, that's a hamster, you have to buy him special hamster food. He's also going to need a cage, a cage that you're going to have to clean."

"You're such a buzzkill Sammy, I'm keeping him. His name is Sam."

"Dude, no, you're not naming him Sam." The hamster doesn't look like a Sam, it looks like a Joe or a Phil maybe, actually, it makes a pretty good Bobby, except it isn't wearing a cap and calling him an idjit. It definitely has a scruffy hamster beard thing going on though.

"Too late, his name is Sam." Dean has a half eaten bag of peanuts in his pocket; he takes one out and offers it to the hamster. The hamster nibbles on the edges, then forgets the nut in favor of licking salt and what is no doubt some residual syrup from breakfast off Dean's skin. "You like your new name Sammy?" Sam the hamster is too preoccupied with running his tiny pink tongue over every inch of Dean's hand to answer. "See, he loves it." The hamster continues licking, working his way up to Dean's wrist. "Uh, okay there Sammy, that's enough." Dean picks the hamster up, his forearm and fingers slick with hamster saliva. "Time to go in your cage." Dean sets Sam on his shoulder and sure enough, Dean's bought the hamster a cage and a red plastic ball for him to roll around in, even a bag of green, foul smelling pellets.

In what Sam can only define as an act of deliberate defiance, the hamster promptly pees on Dean's shoulder.

* * *

"Are you alright Dean, you look upset." Castiel stops by their motel room for an unannounced visit. He's been doing it more and more often lately. He's also been talking on the phone with Dean for almost fifteen minutes a day. Sam doesn't know what an angel has to talk about with his brother, they don't talk about movies or girls or cars or anything Dean would be interested in. He imagines Cas talks on and on about God until Dean gets bored and hangs up.

"No, dammit, Sammy pissed on me again. It's the third time this week." The color instantly drains from Castiel's face and he glances from Dean to Sam in confusion and horror.

"I....I thought Sam was toilet trained."

"No, not that Sammy, this Sammy." Dean proudly pulls Sam from his cage and presents him to Cas. In the week they've had Sam he's gotten fatter, his fur fluffier and healthier, and increasingly aggressive. He thinks hamster mating season might be approaching, it would explain the hamster's violence towards anyone who isn't Dean, and sometimes Dean.

"Hello Samuel the hamster." Castiel extends his palm in greeting, waiting for Sam to step onto it. Instead, the hamster launches himself at Castiel, as close to snarling as a hamster can come, sinking his yellow buck teeth into Castiel's hand. Blood bubbles up from where Sam is trying to gnaw through Castiel's skin and Castiel watches bemused. "I don't think he likes me."

"No shit. I guess he hates angels. Come here Sam." Dean pulls Sam off Cas' hand and Sam brings a chunk of Castiel's flesh with him, the little sliver of pale skin between his teeth. It's grotesquely horrifying. Sam swears the damned hamster is evil. He should look into animal possession. He's almost certain this hamster is the newest vessel of Lucifer. It would explain why the thing stares at him with a strange look of pity, intimidation, and smug pride in its eyes. "You gotta stop biting people buddy, chicks don't dig biting hamsters." Dean shakes his head and winces when Sam bites his index finger. It's not a hard bite, nothing like the chomp he took out of Castiel, it's a softer, more experienced bite, deep enough to sting and leave a mark, but not enough to draw blood or tear. "Son of a bitch, you little fucker." Clearly his brother is not the type of man who should ever own a pet.

"I think we should take him to the pet store and drop him off." He wants it out of his life. It's creepy the way it sleeps in its cage beside Dean's bed, running on its little wheel at all hours of the night, staring at Dean as the transparent yellow plastic of its exercise wheel turns.

"I agree with Sam. Sam isn't friendly." Castiel nurses his hamster abused hand, which is healing rapidly, the impressive bite already down to a small, pink and irritated line.

"I'm not giving him to some pet store where he's gonna get sold to some five year old kid who forgets to feed him or ties him to a firework. He's staying." Dean holds Sam to his chest and the hamster nuzzles against him, digs its little toes into Dean's shirt and climbs up his front, disappearing beneath the collar of his t-shirt when it reaches the top. "Ah." Dean wriggles, the visible bump beneath his shirt that is Sam the hamster moving down.

"I'm going to go." Cas clears his throat; uncomfortable. "See you later Dean, Sam, and Sam."

"Bye Cas." Dean waves, laughing when Sam the hamster does something that must tickle.

"This is beyond weird." They never had a pet growing up so Dean is trying to compensate with a malicious rodent that smells like ass and whose cage smells even worse.

"Uh, I think Sammy is cold." The bump that is Sam has settled on Dean's stomach and is vibrating strangely. "He's shakin'." Dean's eyes go wide and the corners of his mouth turn down in a disgusted frown. "Oh gross." Dean lifts up his shirt and Sam tumbles down into his waiting hand. "He came in my bellybutton." Dean's right, there's a little pool of glistening hamster, semen, in Dean's navel, wet and sticky looking in the florescent light. "My bellybutton just got fucked by a hamster. Am I going to get pregnant?"

"Don't be stupid." Sam appears completely exhausted, and like any male, he falls asleep after sex.

The humping persists, with an increasing frequency. It gets so bad the second Dean takes Sam out of his cage he's trying to go at it with all of Dean's fingers at once, his hamster hips thrusting like his little life depends on it. Sam comes on Dean's palm, between his fingers, on his wrists, in the creases of the muscles of his abdomen, filling his bellybutton, and sometimes on the blankets when he misses. There's hamster jizz everywhere and finally Sam refuses to let Dean take the hamster out of the cage, because Sam the hamster is a possessive and eager lover, and Dean has the bites and scratches on his skin to prove it.

"No more Dean, that horny little bastard is out of control." Sam is pressed up against the wall of his cage, staring out with his beady black eyes that are always fixed on Dean.

"He's just lonely Sam, but I have a solution to his little penis problem." Dean has a square box with holes in the roof in his hands. Inside is a sweet looking hamster with solid white fur and delicate pink eyes. It's an albino dwarf hamster, and the pink bow clipped to its right ear tells him it's either a female or a guy hamster in drag. Judging from the way the hamster has been acting lately, Sam thinks he might like a male hamster to fuck around with, a male hamster named Dean. "Sammy, this is Ruby." A giant shit eating grin spreads across Dean's face. "She's gonna be living with you from now on. Say goodbye to bachelorhood forever."

Ruby, and really he doesn't think the name choice of the new hamster is appropriate, walks up to Sam and touches her nose to his, pink tongue flicking out to experimentally lick the side of Sam's face. It's a cute exhibition of hamster love that turns sour and he watches with Dean in revulsion as Sam attacks Ruby and rips open her belly, spilling blood and her insides across his cage before retreating to his tiny nest to lick the blood from his paws and snout.

"Well." Dean swallows, rubbing awkwardly at the back of his head. "If only you'd done that when you first met Ruby huh?"

* * *

After three weeks Sam has had enough of the hamster's abuse. Dean's hands and most of his body are covered in bite marks and scratches that sit raw and irritated on his brother's skin, leaving him with constant pain and an unbearable itching sensation. Sam's best shoes have holes nibbled out of the bottom and a good portion of their food has been licked away by an eager little tongue.

"I really think we should kill him." He doesn't like to murder innocent creatures, it's a policy he has; a policy that he clearly needs to overlook. The world needs to be rid of the evil hamster.

"We're not killing Sammy." Sam is rolling across the floor in his hamster ball, weaving patterns and circles across the carpet as he runs, bumping into walls and chairs as he moves. He looks so harmless and sweet when he's separated from the world by an inch or two of cheap plastic. "He's having trouble adjusting. I think we need to spend more time with him. He can probably sense you don't like him and he's upset." Dean picks up the ball and sets it in his lap, traces one finger along the side of the ball and waits for Sam to follow it.

"I doubt hamsters are capable of such advanced thought." Sam the hamster puts his teeth to the plastic of his ball, trying to get at Dean's finger, to fuck it or bite it, he isn't sure which.

"You don't know that Mr. Stanford, you were pre-law, not pre-vet."

"Don't take him out of the goddamn ball Dean." Dean undoes the latch at the top of the ball and stops, his thumb holding the door in place.

"He's sad. Look at him." Damn if the hamster doesn't look completely and utterly miserable, small black eyes pleading and glistening with pseudo-hamster-tears. He looks so sad that if Sam didn't know he's liable to hump or chomp on his finger, he'd want to hold the little guy and rub his belly.

"He's going to bite you." Dean never listens to reason and this is no different. Sam watches as his brother opens the ball and turns it upside down. The hamster falls neatly onto the bed in a soft thump, immediately navigating his way through the wrinkled and crumpled blankets to get to Dean.

"Why do you think he has such a hard on for me? You think all hamsters want me or just him?"

"It doesn't matter. How attractive hamsters find you isn't going to save the world." In retrospect it might, if Lucifer decides to lead an army of hamsters against the angels then Dean's gift could come in handy. Sam files the knowledge in the back of his mind in the possibilities folder.

"I gotta admit, this whole thing is getting kinda creepy." Dean puts a pillow between himself and Sam, who is racing towards him at an impressive hamster speed. "Maybe he needs an exorcism."

"You can't exorcise evil." Dean pulls his holy water flask from the right side of his jeans, where it usually sits tucked safely in his belt, right up against his skin. "You're going to piss him off if you get him wet." Yet again Dean ignores logic and shakes a few droplets of water onto the hamster. The hamster immediately writhes, screaming a strange, high pitched squeak that is oddly reminiscent of the sound a rabbit makes as it dies, tendrils of steam rising from his fur.

"Holy shit." Dean hits the hamster with a pillow to stun it, then scoops it up and throws it back inside the ball. He gets the rock salt out and calmly pours a circle around the ball. The hamster tries to roll out of the circle, but can't cross the barrier and inside the ball it spits and hisses.

"I'll recite the exorcism."

"I'll call Cas."

* * *

"I have bad news for you Dean." Castiel puts a palm on the hamster ball, frowning as he reads the hamster's thoughts or essence or whatever.

"A demon is possessing my pet right?" Dean stares wistfully at Sam in his tiny plastic ball of imprisonment. "Don't worry Sam, once we exorcise the demon you'll be good as new."

"I'm afraid it isn't that simple." Castiel shoves his hands in his pockets, rocking awkwardly on the balls of his feet. "This is going to upset you." Cas turns to him for some kind of guidance on how to tread lightly with Dean's feelings; he just shrugs and attempts to mentally tell Castiel to break the news over pie. "That isn't a hamster, it was never a hamster."

"Then what the hell is it?" Dean cocks his gun and aims, ready to fire.

"It's Alastair. It seems Sam didn't kill him after all. He escaped from his previous host and found a new vessel." The color drains from Dean's face and his gun clatters to the floor, accidentally going off when it hits the carpet, bullet lodging itself in the corner of Sam's bed.

"Oh god." Dean moans, trembling, rubbing at the bites and cuts on his body like he's ashamed.

"Dean, this isn't your fault." Cas makes soothing motions with his hands, begging not so subtly for Sam's help this time.

"He's right Dean, you had no idea, you thought he was your pet." Dean retches and clutches at the wall.

"I….he…he came…all over me...and I just shook it off and chalked it off to hamster horniness. The whole time it was just Alastair taking advantage of me?"

"Yes, I'm sorry." Dean makes a wet gagging noise.

"I _snuggled_ him. I _snuggled_ Alastair, we never snuggled, ever, he'd kick me out of the bed in hell if I accidentally spooned with him in my sleep!" Dean has gone from disgusted and terrified to pissed, it's a good thing, it's a sign he's healing. "You sick son of a bitch!" Dean kicks the hamster ball so hard it flies across the room. "I was the little spoon!"

"Aw, don't be like that Deano." Alastair's eerily deep lisp coming from the mouth of a hamster is somehow not the strangest thing Sam has seen in his life. It definitely ranks in the top five though. The hamster's black eyes roll into his head and come back white, mouth moving unnaturally to shape words. "We had some fun, you and I. It was just like old times."

"Our old times were never fun."

"Oh our games of Scrabble were always a blast down in hell, especially with the neighbors."

"I friggin' hated the McCormacks. They cheated at Pictionary." Sam's trying as hard as he can not to imagine Dean and Alastair in some cozy little three bedroom two and a half bath house down in hell, Dean wearing pearls and high heels while Alastair smokes a pipe in his easy chair.

"We can have that again Dean; I'll get a new vessel, a human vessel." Alastair the hamster stares at Dean pleadingly, beseeching his older brother to go back to him, as needy as a scary, rapist, torturer demon can be.

"No, we're over Alastair. This weird, interspecies, bestiality demonic love can never be. I think you should leave." Dean wipes at tears with the back of his hand and turns away.

Alastair the hamster nods sadly and rolls his ball out the motel room door.


End file.
